News today of a government initiative to rebalance NHS funding towards voluntary and charitable sources. “The NHS has always been powered by love”, said a spokesman, “love of ordinary people for their nurses and doctors, love of nurses and doctors for their vital, heroic work; the love we all have for our wonderful NHS”. Present funding formulae were too “cold and mechanical” to represent this “vast ocean of love, crashing like waves upon the shores of our Nation. You can’t put that in a spreadsheet”.

Citing Captain Tom Moore’s epic fundraising marathon, and the weekly applause across the country for NHS workers during the COVID-19 pandemic, the spokesman announced the first in what is expected to be a regular series of events, titled “Crack One Off for the NHS”. “We haven’t worked out all the details yet”, he admitted, “but basically we want everybody to have a wank at 8pm this Thursday evening, and donate some money to keep the lights on at their nearest hospital. You can be as creative as you like about it — if you want to have a wank in a bathtub full of baked beans, that’s certainly something we’d encourage.”

Asked if the intention was for people to sponsor each other to masturbate, the spokesman said “absolutely, yes, if you want. Or not. Just have a wank and save the NHS. And if you see anyone not having a wank, there’ll be a special number you can call”. Wanking at other times has been deemed “non-essential”, he cautioned, and “may be punishable with a fine, or whatever else the police feel like doing to you really”.